Tim Murphy's Journal

The Rules:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Once again with feeling: The Question Meme! Copy and paste the Questions below the cut into a reply-comment to this post. Or if you prefer, reply-comment with a link to your post in your own LJ with the answers.

I can not believe that I let my guard down. Was in Hyde Park. Was visiting our bench there. When I thought I saw a rather peculiar looking fellow. Couldn't get a good look at him, the sun was going down and he was rather far away. So I lifted up the camera to try and zoom in some. Next thing I know from the side I get hit and to be quick and less graphic as I can be. The camera exploded in my hand, covering it in a glove of camera bits and the film. Well the film started to move and act like a snake. It coiled around my left arm and then worked it's way around my torso and supposedly by the time I passed out in Mungo's well it was around my neck. Things were rather fuzzy. There were three people who were working on me. One of them was a Nosfertum, nearly died of a heart attack when I heard that name. Thought for a moment Vincent had changed professions. But it was actually Darius, now that I can think, we were dorm mates at school. Didn't talk to one another much, because well...I was me in School.

Long story short. I now have a lens sized ring scar in my palm, a false thumb, index and pinky finger on my left hand. An amazing woman and even more fantastic Healer by the name of Rhia was a God send for me through the entire situation. I'm still in quite a bit of residual pain, but nothing some pain potions she prescribed doesn't get rid of. It's the constant clicking of the metal of the false digits that is a bit maddening. So I've taken to wearing a glove over that hand. It'll take some getting used to but Rhia has offered to help me adjust. I really don't know what I'd do without her right now. She's a lovely woman, widow, like myself, she has four children. The oldest if 5. Hard to believe she's old enough to have a 5 year old. She is stunning.

I am having some trouble adjusting and even though I have Gus, I was hoping to have a bit more support. Without being mothered, so I've written Robin to see if she'd mind it if Kit-Kat could stay with me over the Holiday. I also must remember to see what Rhia is doing for Christmas, I'm sure she's probably going to go visit her children. They've been sent away after her husband's death to his parents to keep them safe from all of this hell on earth going on. I have the utmost respect for her decision.

It's amazing, the wedding ring wasn't even so much as dinged in the explosion. Rhia says it saved my ring and middle finger some how. I feel right now that I went against what some people have said at the Widower's group. That removing the ring is the best way to move on. I just don't think I want to remove it, even if I do 'move on' a bit. I think I'll need someone to understand that I was married, and I'll forever remember Paeonia. And the ring is a symbol of that remembrance. I'm going to need a Lady that will be alright with that. If I can't find one, well then I don't have to worry about moving on then anyway, do I?

I'm about to head out the door to bring Rhia some of the last flowers in bloom from the garden. Don't think it's much enough of a thank you. Don't really feel like staying in tonight either. Maybe if she's going to be off duty later I can take her to Dabloons under the Bridge. Treat her to a heart attack in the form of a Scotch Egg Salad Sandwich and a Broiler Maker.

Well see if I get up the stones to even ask her. This is me after all. Never been real good with the ladies.

I miss you Sweet Pea. Some times if feel like I've got this hole in my heart and it's so vastly empty it burns.
I've started packing away your things. And I found my old journal, it still has the flowers of our first picnic in the garden at Hogwarts when we put flowers in your hair and I took pictures of you, my first real model, my best friend.  Two years. It's been two years without you and I am just barely able to let you go.
I feel so contradictory inside, there's the half of me that mourns the loss of everyone I've ever considered family. The the other half feels like I was talking with Katherine, elated. I'm at rock bottom, there's no were else to go but up. And I have absolutely nothing to lose.
Seeing Katherine was strange, but nice. She's back to the Kate of her youth, the aloof distant Slytherin girl that dedicates herself to her job to the point of obsessiveness that in itself would be enough to scare a Death Eater good.
Met...well re-met a girl from Hogwarts. She was in Pae's year. I've seen her in passing when we at school, both independently working for the newspaper as freelancers. She has a unique sort of beauty and she lives just down the street. She's sat for me once already, and I would very much like to arrange for another sitting with her. Her neck alone in it's swan like grace is something I could blaze through an entire roll on.

And then, and then there is Miss Starla Day. There are some people that just seem so... untouched by the tragedy that's going on around them. I met her during lunch a few days ago. She's as radiant as her names. A beackon of all that's kind and sweet in the world. Her very presence warmed me, I haven't smiled like that in a very very long time, it surprised me how easily she drew it out of me.  She was surprised that I remembered her. But there were really so few people that paid me smiles and kindness at the school, and she meaningful friend to both Katherine and Pae. And that smile, blindingly beautiful as the sun itself. How could I forget that smile I ask you?
My short time with Meg has got me thinking. What if I were to apply for a position for her department, making pictures for the articles she writes to cover up things and keep the Muggles blissfully ignorant. I think Pae would be proud of me. And from what I gather I could possibly do both jobs. I know I don't need the money, Pae's inheritance took care of that. But I enjoy the work, I find Katherine and I have so much more in common than we ever had. I throw myself into my work, live vicariously through the people I photograph, trying to surround myself in this wall of distance. Only once has that wall faltered since Pae died. That smile, that bloody damn smile I can't get out of my mind. I'll have to ask her to sit for me. Maybe then after I capture it of film I'll be free of it. And I can get back to being the Photographer that will go into the eye of any storm to get the truth proving shot. Or if I start working with Meg, the illusionist shot.
I am sure there's some omen an foretelling in there of how my 'morales' have drastically changed. The Tim Pae married was so much about capturing beauty so the world can see it still exists, and now, well now I'm contemplating fabricating pictures to the point that they are so ridiculous they'd scare off even the most spookiest of bogarts.
Anyways, todays batch of film is ready to be dunked into the next solution. And writing in this red dim light is making me cross-eyed and that won't be very good for my career now would it.

         A lilac envelope arrives.  Inside is a piece of floral scented paper and familiar handwriting.

          My dearest love,

     I miss you so much already. I started missing you on the train. It isn't the same without you. Some first year has your bed. He's a nice boy, but it seems wrong for him to be there. Elfy is settling in well, she is popular. Everyone loves her and rightly so for she is adorable.

The first thing I did was get our photo out and put it on my nightstand so I could look at you. Then I unpacked. I have been busy since then and tonight is the first time I've been able to sit down and write.

Thank you for Elfy and for your other special present. Thinking about it makes my face get all warm and my heart race. I never knew things like that could be done. I am so happy that I got to experience them with you and that we get to continue doing them for the rest of our lives. You're stuck with me Murphy, stuck forever.

 I do have something to say to you. I didn't tell you at the time, because I was in no danger, and because I wanted to focus on our time together instead of this. I helped save Davey Darkefell from an attempt on his life. Professor Wize and I stopped him from going in front of a lorry when someone ran past and shoved him towards it while another wizard distracted his auror guard. We just happened to be there at the same time. It happend so quickly, we weren't in danger, but I didn't want you to worry. I know how you worry about me at times. I am safer here than anywhere, even if I am longing to be home with you. Is it odd that I think of it as my home to? Do you not want me to do that? If so, say it.

        I have to go, but I will write more.

              I love you!

                      Pae

     -----------------------------------------------------------
  I could have just one wish,

 I would wish to wake up everyday

to the sound of your breath on my neck,

the warmth of your lips on my cheek,

the touch of your fingers on my skin,

and the feel of your heart beating with mine...

Knowing that I could never find that feeling

with anyone other than you.

          Sweetpae,

           I miss you so much. I've put some boxes on your side of the bed so it doesn't seem so big and empty when I'm laying alone in it. I can understand why you didn't tell me before, but Pae, I love you and I worry about you anyways, I always knew you have a heart of a hero. Now everyone else knows as well. I'm sorry my love that I haven't written sooner but you've probably heard that we lost Hale at the Prophet. I'm so glad that you are safe at Hogwarts. How's Elfy? And everything else? I talk to Grams through the floo the day after you left. My Da was asking for me. Asking about me and which friends house I was playing at. Supposedly he's so far in denial he's living in a world when I was still a little boy and visiting and playing with my mates while Ma watched and talked with the other mothers. And he's just waiting day after day after day just like it's only hours waiting for Ma and I to come home. Grams looks so old. I can't imagine what she goes through daily. God I just want to hold you and smell your hair while you run your fingers through mine. Grams was polite, but I could see it in her eyes that she thinks I'm to blame for it all still. At least I have you. You're all the family I ever need.

I love you,

       Tim

Gotta make this quick alot of things to do.

Kate and I have broken up, for good, and for real this time. We'd been hiding our relationship since late Summer after the Assasination Ambush. So by the time we finally ended it there wasn't much of a relationship to end. We'd get together and snuggle and she'd degrade herself and I'd try to cheer her up. Repeat that over and over again for three months and you have what we turned into. I was only allowed to see her when *she* needed something.

She hates the white knight in me. So do I. I wish I could just let her walk into Azkaban and visit Landen who'll mind fuck her like he always does six ways from Sunday before she even blinks an eye without a care.
Wish I could just let her walk into a dangerous situation all by herself. But I can't and she seemed to think that by me coming along with to Azkaban meant that I was going to bleeding hand cuff and shackle her to me and sit there eavesdropping on her and Landens conversation. Not the, I'll be in the waiting room when you need me, it was meant to be as. She jumped to conclusions that started a fight. Basically in the fight she said she doesn't want me. She doesn't want a white knight. She wants to just 'start over' pretend like we never met. Start fresh. Well I think I know why she wanted that so badly now.

Turns out that she's now going out with some bird. That's right, my replacement, a woman. Did Kate want to pretend I never existed. Pretend that she never almost tupped a guy so she could date a woman with a clearer conscience? I don't know, all I know is it hurts. I would have given Katherine the world and loved her, took care of her, all that. But she didn't want me.

Well I've found someone that wants me, knows me to a T, she's beautiful, smart, we talk about everything, we've been through some scraps but always comeback for more. I'd die for her. She's my best friend, and she makes me feel strong without telling me to just grow a back bone as Kate not so subtly once said. She likes that I'm shy. She knows all my secrets, even that I don't love her, yet. But she's still there, loving me, encouraging me. I'd die without her. I do love her in so many other ways...just not *that* way quite yet. I'm still in love with Kate for some fecking reason.

I find I'm not as possesive over her as I was Kate. I think it's because I'm not worried about her leaving me. I don't feel like I'm forcing this relationship. She's always been there for me. She stayed for me. Just like she's the only thing keeping me here at this bleeding school. I feel so trapped but Christmas Break really helped. Being with her and her family. Seeing them made me realize something.

I was selfish. The Murphy's life is about sacrifice and I was selfish and it's cost lives. Talk about a wake up call. Yes my family life was none existant. But my lack of family provided others with safer homes. But now because of my actions two of the Ministries finest Aurors are out of the picture. My mother most of all, she brought some heart to the MLE. My actions have allowed the Dark Wizards easier have at at families like the Palanchers. I will not see Pae's family ripped apart like mine. I'm going to write Elsbeth and explain that she doesn't know me. Not this Tim Murphy. This Tim Murphy *wants* to be an Auror, he's not a Trainee that's there because it's his family shoving him into it. We'll see how that goes. Redwater, the cunnie that killed my mother, will stop her trechery. Even if I'm not allowed in the MLE, they can't stop me from doing all that's in my power to protect the ones I love. So if Elsbeth won't see the truth and allow me a second chance. Well then I'll become a vigilante. The thing that amazes me is she supports me, 100 percent. I'm not second guessing myself because I've got my girlfriend telling me I'm a photographer and I'm too weak to be an Auror. Pae really is a breath of fresh air. I'm relaxed when I'm with her. She wants me and it feels good. She likes having me around when ever, just not when she needs to feel better about herself. I'm one lucky Irishman.

Shite that wasn't as quick as I thought. I've got to get to classes and see if I can get back into my NEWT classes. Back in the saddle again.

01. Who are you, what's our relationship?:
02. How and where did we meet?:
03. What's my middle name/s?:
04. How long have you known me?:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself:
06. When you first saw me what was your impression?:
07. My age:
08. Birthday:
09. My favorite band at the moment:
10. Colour eyes:
11. Do I have any siblings?:
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
13. What's one of my favorite things to do?:
14. Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?:
15. Describe me in 3 words:
16. Name 5 things i love:
17. Do you think I'm good looking?:
18. How would you describe me to someone?:
19. Would you ever date me?:
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: What do you like most about me?:
22: If we could spend a day together what would we do?:
23: Have we ever gotten in a fight?:
24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
26. What do you think my weakness is?:
27. Do you think I'll get married?:
28. What makes me happy?:
29. What makes me sad?:
30. What reminds you of me?:
31. If you could give me anything what would it be?:
32. When's the last time you saw me?:
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?:
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?:
35. Are you going to put this on your Livejournal and see what I say about you?:
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?:
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?:
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?:
39. Would you make a move on me?:
40. Do I cross your mind at least once a day?: